MARY WROTE: I need to find out how to handle my anger without exploding, but at the same time, not stuff it.  Eventually, it will be expressed; but, I have some work to do before that happens.  What’s the first step in dealing with anger?

DISCLAIMER: I am not a counselor, so, please be wise enough to consult a trained mental health care professional if your situation warrants it.  A trained professional can assist you in coming to wholeness in this area of your life. 

What I am offering you in the statement that follows is my view of what the Bible says on this topic.  As much as is possible I’ll give references so that you can examine my statements in light of Scripture and so that you can do your own study on this important issue.

You’re wise not to bottle up your anger, as it tends to grow, becomes uncontrollable and eventually comes out sideways with the force of a volcano.  Remember, the emotions you bury do not die, but they may kill you.   

God Himself tells us to “be angry and sin not” (Eph. 4:26).  Here’s an eye opener. The person in the Bible who got angry the most was God Himself.  The word “anger” comes up over 450 times in the OT and approximately 83% of those occurrences refer to God’s anger.  Now that’s instructive.  The problem doesn’t seem to be anger, but what it is based on and how it is expressed.  Again, God instructs us, “be angry and sin not,” so I’m confident that anger in and of itself isn’t always the problem.

We must be honest with what we feel and yet not allow it, which in this case is anger, to control us.  The bible tells us to be “slow” in expressing our anger. (See James 1:19; Ecclesiastes 7:9; Prov. 25:8.)  Ephesians 4:26 instructs us not to procrastinate in dealing with the issues that have produced our anger.  Ephesians 4:26 says “do not let the sun go down on your anger.”  Deal with the issues while they are clear and before they grow.  We need to take care of our anger and the issues that produced it lest sinless anger becomes sinful bitterness, which is the product of long held resentment. 

This may be a bit simplistic, but anger is first an emotion, then an attitude and finally action.  Anger begins as a feeling of displeasure, but can develop into an attitude of hostility and become an aggressive destructive action or behavior if we do not deal with it early on. 

Of course you asked about dealing with anger, so…let’s take a look at some practical way in which we can do just that.  First, we need to acknowledge a few things about conflict.  No matter who we are, conflict is normal and usually begins with the people we love most.  By the way, being a Christian doesn’t remove you from the realm of conflict.  If anything, it may increase your chances of experiencing such encounters.

Early on, we need to realize that confrontation is necessary.  Confronting someone shouldn’t be construed as a sign of hostility or verbal venting!  Actually, healthy confrontation can be very beneficial.  If we draw back from confronting someone, we should search for the reasons we are hesitant to so.  The following is a list of a few reasons why we aren’t able to or refuse to confront others.

• Perhaps we are afraid that the other party will retaliate. 

• Maybe we’re afraid of being rejected.

• Perhaps we are fearful of hurting the other party.  

• We don’t believe it will work. We’ve tired before and it didn’t do any good.  

• Confronting someone is more uncomfortable than venting.  It’s easier and less time consuming to blow up, than it is to process the issues.  Dealing with anger in a positive way takes time, communication skills, and patience.  

• It’s easier to do nothing.

• We don’t want to lose our “nice person” reputation.

• We view anger as wrong or a sin. As nice religious people we think we should accept things without objection.

• Some people define “confrontation” as an aggressive hostile thing that needs to be shunned.

• Some people have no positive model to learn from.  I know a 35 year old adult who was never allowed to express anger when they were a child.  Any and all expressions of anger were considered unacceptable behavior.  

• Some people are seething with unresolved anger and are fearful of exploding if they try to confront someone.  Instead of attempting to process their anger they just make another deposit in their anger account.  They are like a steam boiler with no vent valve.  

• Others are fearful of loosing the relationship if they confront the other party.  They fail to realize that healthy relationships are enhanced and strengthened when both parties have the freedom and security to deal with the problems that may crop up from time to time.  If we fail to deal constructively with anger, in the long run it will probably destroy the relationship.  We will find it more and more difficult to be selective in what feelings we repress, so we eventually squelch all feelings.  Honestly expressing ones feelings makes for a healthy emotional life and builds healthy relationships.

Before you sweep the issues under the proverbial rug, please consider the high cost of delay.  You may not believe this, but anger rightly dealt with can be positive.  Martin Luther King took his anger and directed it at promoting positive change via the Civil Rights Movement.  Use your anger, don’t let it use you!  Be angry, but do not allow it to cause you to sin.

I know you’re looking for something more practical, so here are some things you might want to consider doing.

• Get in touch with your feelings and, for the moment, feel them without judging them.  Find the root
  issues in which your anger is sourced.  A good friend who can be objective will be a valuable asset during this process. 

• Delay taking any action so you can have time to think things over. (See Nehemiah 5:6-7.)  

• Pray for understanding and guidance. (See 2 Kings 19:14.) 

• Identify the true cause for your anger.  Key questions might be: What is it that is upsetting me?  How am I being threatened?  Why am I angry?  Have I embellished the issues?  Have I invested some statement or action with more meaning than the other party intended? 

• Evaluate your anger to determine if it is legitimate. (See Jonah 4:9.)  Maybe your anger in this instance is attached to other unresolved issues.  Maybe you are angry because the other person or situation confronted something in you that needs to be changed. Maybe you’re anger is justifiable.  

• Determine an appropriate course of action. (See Nehemiah 5:6-7.)   

• Confront the other party if necessary, but in a biblical manner.  (See Leviticus 19:17-18; 2Cor. 2:4; Eph. 4:25-32; Galatians 2:11; John 8:11; Matthew 18:15-17; Proverbs 25:8-9.)  I use the “hear, think, feel” process.  This is what I heard you say, this is what I think about that and this is how it made me feel.                                                              
  i.     Inform the other party without indicting them, as you could be wrong in your conclusions.  “This is what I heard or experienced.”  Don’t make “you” statements, but ask clarifying questions.                                     
  ii.    Share your thoughts.  “This is how I interpreted that and this is what I think.”                                         
  iii.   Share your feelings.  “This is how it made me feel.”

• Set limits, rules or guidelines for processing or dealing with the issues.  If the other party will not work with you, then they may not be interested in a healthy relationship or they may not be healthy enough to work through the problem to an agreeable resolution.

• Talk things out.  Take this step at a pace that both parties can handle.

• Get counsel from an objective party.  This should be someone both participants trust.

• Make concessions when necessary and if possible.   You must decide if being right is more important than having a right relationship.  Argument for the sake of argument is not healthy. If both parties pursue the truth, then everyone wins.

• Practice active empathy. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and do your best to be understanding.

• Communicate by listening.  You don’t have to agree, but you do need to know what you are disagreeing with.  Communication isn’t the art of convincing others you are right, but of understanding other and helping them understand you!

• Forgive them and forget it.  This is not as hard as you might think.  Remember, if Christ’s death on the cross enables God to forgive us, then why can’t we apply that same payment to horizontal debts; the moral debts people owe us?

Unfortunately, there are some people we will never be able to have a healthy relationship with.  They are too wounded and their anger bank is too full to allow them to process the issues that are destroying them and their relationship with us and others.  We may need to temporarily accept the limitations they are placing on our relationship with them, but we can continue to pray that God will set them free and thereby enable us to develop a healthy relationship with them in the future.  Keep the door open, the light in the window and the key in the mailbox.   

If you are dealing with immediate family members who are hard to get along with, don’t fault yourself for what they are unable or unwilling to do.  What you can do is love them, pray for them and continuously forgive them.  By all means don’t fault yourself for their disabling wounds and don’t fall prey to guilt trips and manipulation.  This is not healthy for you are for them.  Live in the freedom Christ has given you and the security that He approves of you.  If you find yourself at fault, immediately ask His forgiveness and set things right with those you are at odds with. 

Well, that’s all I have time for today, but I hope it helps!  There are a lot of good books on this subject, so you might want to do some shopping at Christianbooks.com.  Also, a chat with your pastor might be of great benefit. 

God’s best and blessings,
lou

Suggested Reading:
Overcoming Hurts & Anger by Dwight L. Carlson, M.D.